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 Post subject: Cardinals are better than the Cubs
PostPosted: 02 May 2008, 16:48 
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For the last three months, I have been inundated with uninformed Cub-fan trash-talk about the greatness of the Cubs-Cards "rivalry." I realize that Wrigley is beautiful, the bar scene is great, and that the two cities are close geographically. I also realize that ripping the Cubs on a website that has a Cubs.com link is like saying "Earnhardt sucks" in Ravenswood, "Stockton is better than Iverson" in Haughville, and "Spam is bad for you" in the cafeteria-line at Ben Davis. But I am not afraid, because like Abraham Lincoln, I believe that what is right is not always popular, and what is popular is not always right. So here it is...10 undeniable reasons why the no-account Cubs are not a rival of the Cardinals:

1. The Record

The Cardinals have won 9 World Championships and 15 Pennants since 1908. The Cubs have mustered only two pennants during that same time frame. Advantage: Cards...More lopsided than a Bob Lamey teeter-totter ride.

2. Beverage of Choice
Budweiser vs. Old Style. Advantage: Cards...More lopsided than Pam Anderson' tats when she stands too close to an operating microwave.

3. Memorial Statue
Outside of Busch Stadium is a statue of Stan Musial. Arguably, the greatest hitter in NL history "The Man" hit .331 lifetime, 475 HR's and connected on 3,630 hits. Outside of Wrigley is a statue of Harry Caray. An alcoholic broadcaster that the Cardinals fired and whose singing makes one beg for a Biz Markie comeback. Advantage: Cards

4. Pitchers
The greatest pitcher in Cardinals history is named Bob. He threw at people, was un-hittable in big games, still scares the shit out of kids and was offered a full-ride basketball scholarship to IU. The greatest pitcher in Cubs history was a Canadian named Fergie. Advantage: Cards

(Hypothetically, let's say that Fergie Jenkins and Bob Gibson were thrown in jail together. Which one do you think would be traded for a carton of Kool's?)

5. Contributions
The Cardinals created the farm system, spring training and free agency. The Cubs gave us Mitch Williams. Advantage: Cards

(Even though 'Wild Thing' was great in his starring role as Joe Dirt.)

6. Shake Their Hand

The Cardinals have had over 600 players don their roster over the years. By all accounts, they have all had 10 digits on their hands. The Cubs--on the other hand (pun intended)--have been the safe haven of Antonio Alfronsceca (12 Digits) and "Three- Finger Brown." Advantage: Cards.

(Apparently, Wrigley Field was built on a highly active toxic-waste dump.)

7. Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio
No explanation needed.

8. Bruce Sutter
We never said that you weren't generous.

9. McGwire vs. Sammy
Seventy to a pultry 66. Roids vs. Roids-and-Cork. Advantage: Cards

10. Name of Stadium
The Cardinals named their venue after Booger and Takashi's favorite part of the female anatomy. The Cubs named their venue after chewing-gum that loses it's flavor faster than Kournikova loses her underwear in an eastern European hockey locker-room. Advantage: Cards


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