Ok since obviously I am a dumbass and must have clicked Preview instead of submit and then didn't notice it until 8 hours later.... I am gonna re-type all this....beware, my literary genius is unpredictable I probably won't be as eloquent this time... well unless you have proof that I wasn't eloquent the first time and since that has disappeared into the ether, I figure I am safe.
Regarding your thread about bi-polar.
My family has a history of bi-polar disorder and I am mildly manic depressive (MD is a milder form of BP I have a mild form of that, so I am lucky and able to make allowances for it in my life) I spent 6 years in college trying to figure out what the hell was the matter with me. Strangely enough about 90% of the people I met while in college who studied Psych were trying to figure out what was wrong with them, or at least were batshiat crazy and were subconsciously trying to figure out what was wrong with them.
Bi-polar disorder or manic depression is defined by the manic phase. If you get mania and depressed, then you are BP/MD. If you just get Depressed then it means you are a well grounded person who has figured out that the world is one fucked up place and we are all gonna die... just kidding
no that means that you could have one of the MANY depressive disorders. Those are different and have much different treatments and prognosis. Luckily BP/MD is treatable and if properly regulated has a fairly good prognosis.
The fucked up part about BP/MD is that being Manic is FUN! You feel taller, stronger, more energetic, prettier, smarter than you ever thought possible. You love everyone and everyone loves you. You are literally on top of the world. Then there are those down times, those times when nothing can console you, the world sucks, you get angry at the slightest little thing and you can and do alienate friends and family. If you are lucky like I was then you can learn to co-exist with these ups and downs (notice I did not say control, just co-exist) you can begin to see the warning signs of a manic phase and you can hide your credit cards, reign in your desire to do whatever crazy thoughts tell you is a good idea at the time. You know when you are going down and you can retreat a bit from people and stay in safe and comforting environs. I call this "not fit for public consumption".
The dangerous thing about BP/MD is that when you are up, you are up! You don't want any meds to slow you down or any stodgy old therapist to tell you that you are being ridonkulous. People with BP/MD will stop seeing their therapist, they will stop taking their meds, will stop any regimen that they may be following because they are better...right? It's easy to take meds and see a therapist when you are down, but remaining on that regimen when you are up, THAT is the challenge.
So lets see if you are BP/MD. Do you find yourself incredibly happy for no reason? During these times do you not sleep or sleep very little sometimes for days at a time? This will be a time of great motivation, you will get your to-do list caught up, you will call old friends for a chat up, you will also go on spending sprees, running up huge bills, you will take incredible risks, you will do things that you would not normally do because it seems like a great idea at the time, and you might even start (in extreme cases) to start to hallucinate from lack of sleep. I know a guy that is bipolar (among other things) and I found him one night and he said to me, "the moon is singing to me and I can hear the color red". I will never forget that quote. I asked him whether he was taking his meds and he said no, and then I asked when the last time he slept and he said, "about 8 days". I promptly took his ass home made him take his meds and spent the night with him trying to reign his big ass in until they could kick in and he could sleep.
Then there are those other times right? Those times when you just can't get moving, the world is a little darker, your friends and family will drive you nuts, you don't answer the phone or the door. you may have an aversion to bright light and find yourself making your house cave like. The bills have caught up with you, and you cannot believe you were so STUPID as to do X (where X is whatever seemed like a good idea at the time). You are worthless and you can't see any way that it will get better. A roommate I had for one semester in college would close all the blinds and stay in bed with the covers pulled over his head for days at a time. Of course this was punctuated by times when I would come in at 2AM and he would be doing chin-ups on the door frame...
If you can say yes to any of the above, you might want to talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist. When I was in school the drug of choice for BP/MD was lithium. I don't know if they still use that, but it was very effective. It takes out all the hills and valleys. You lose those "top of the world" highs, but you also lose those suicidal lows. LISTEN to your dr. even when you are high, take those damned meds because even though they may make you feel like a zombie sometimes, (usually this is when you are in a manic phase and you want to keep going up and the meds won't let you) but trust me, you are better off giving up those highs anyways because you really do stupid shit when you are manic and often times regret it afterward, even though it feels good at the time.
Again I would like to reiterate that I was lucky, I am able to recognize the signs and make allowances for my moods. I get caught off guard sometimes when the swings hit me suddenly, but that is less and less these days. I know when I am manic and I make sure to hide my credit cards and ease off on my lead foot. I try to harness that motivation productively and get my to-do list caught up these are the times that I will call old friends and chat them up. When I start to go down is when I have to hide from the world, I save my sick time at work for these days, and I will take a "mental health day" on the worst of these days and I avoid people in general, things I know will upset me, and try to reign in my temper. I usually spend alot of time apologizing to my lovely wife who has learned to deal with these times and knows that she can't fix it (well a blowjob helps
) and it is best just to give me my space and let me work through it.
The important thing is to remember that you are NOT worthless, you are not stupid or mean, or any of those other things that you are trying to convince yourself. You are the same person you were when you were up, not perfect, not super-man (or in your case woman), but definitely not worthless.
Good luck Froggy, I hope this helps. If you want to share, PM me. I can tell you some of the things that have worked for me, and maybe they can help you.