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 Post subject: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 03:19 
Bitchzilla
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So since my mom is getting divorced for the 3rd or 4th time(she has never givin me a legit answer, I'm going off what I remember), she figures it's time for therapy. Her and the step dad have a meeting, I have a meeting, and the three kids see a special kid therapist.

I've been to roughly 17 to 20 meetings, and my therapist has dictated that I have daddy issues.

Of course I've never looked into the subject because I pretty much dismissed it as kids who get like, raped or abused etc.

I had nothing to do tonight, and since my friend showed up to screech at me, I figured I'd pull it up and skim what I found.

Here's a condensed version:

The idea of having daddy issues relates more to the fact that a girl received inadequate or inappropriate attention from the father figure in her life. An absent father might trigger a girl’s desire to seek male approval elsewhere, and as a teen or young adult, to do so in a sexual manner. An abusive father might seriously wound a father/daughter relationship. Girls, or young women, might express unresolved daddy issues by seeking meaningless relationships of a sexual nature with no romantic base also with older men, or alternately, they might replicate their poor relationships with fathers by having abusive partners. Generally, daddy issues implies that a female remains incomplete and seeks some sort of fatherly or relationship not for love, but for completion, with mates, which is not the best foundation upon which to build a relationship.**I tend to try to find myself and a sense of happiness with someone, instead of being able to BE myself and BE happy and just escalate it with a significant other**

Fathers or strong and consistent male presence in a girl’s life do have a significant affect on self-esteem. Feeling attractive and loved by “daddy” (or other strong male figure) can help a girl have more confidence and strength. This is not necessarily penis envy, but it does appear as though girls and women can prosper better in their lives if they had positive male input from a father figure. Without that, girls may express daddy issues in seeking out father figures, sometimes much older than they, or placing even very good men with whom they are in relationship, in positions that they really can’t adequately fill. These positions for the good men are usually those of bad people, such as abuse, neglect, or other similarities to what the girl or young woman was used to. Sometimes girls will try to get out of a daddy issue loop they don't know they are in by changing their dating patterns completely and going with a wonderful, loving guy. When the guy can not fulfill the "needs" of the girl(She won;t usually voice them, just become unhappy and uncomfortable with being legitimately happy), she will begin to push him away and search for someone with "problems"(Drugs, family issues etc.), or go back to her old circle.

1. I don't even know my biological father. 2. Up until I was 12 my mom had random guys coming in and out, so there was never really a stable male. 3. I do seek that, now that I think about it, and I avoid relationships and just kinda do hook ups, which a different website stated was normal for daddy issue kids.

I've been abused by some of my mom's bfs and hook ups. I seem to have trouble getting away from an abusive ex I had at one point, even though a part of me knows he's fucking horrible.

Makes sense to me. I have a low self esteem and I put a guy in my life to make me feel better, and boost my esteem. It also makes sense that if you have a father figure reinforcing that you won't go looking for it in random guys.

I've done that exact thing. I think it's partly being scared of commitment, but I was honestly happy with a really good guy a while back, and I all of a sudden got bored and missed my old "bad" crew, and just dumped him out of the blue.

I wanna know if you guys think this shit is legit, or just, well, a load of shit. Is it really possible to be subconsciously thinking and acting on all this stuff and having it mess with you so incredibly much that you actually can't, or won't let yourself, be happy?

I want opinions, thought, solutions, anything and everything you have on this possible psycho babble.

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 Post subject: Re: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 05:22 
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this is kinda shit, but it was long and i didn't read all of it. but yes a lot of this is legit. the whole shitty relationship with father leading to meaningless sexual relations, poor romantic relationships is pretty true. and replacement of the lack of father figure with male friends to boost esteem, and feel loved in a non romantic kinda way is legit too.

don't think of yourself as a definite daddy issue case. think of your relationships with males. are you trying to fill a male void through sexual relationships or turning to males for support in situations they wouldn't normally be expected to deal with?

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 Post subject: Re: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 05:39 
Bitchzilla
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Yes, minus the situations they usually don't have to deal with, I'm pretty good about not putting males in situations they wouldn't want to/aren't usually in.

I'm not sure about a void exactly, but I don't really feel whole without the support of a guy, weather he be random or a semi-legit relationship..

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“Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.”

-Bill Watterson


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 Post subject: Re: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 08:15 
Reginald Cuntypants
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To be honest the only person who can confirm whether this applies to you is yourself. I don't really know you very well, so it'd be risky to comment on whether I think you have this, but the article itself makes sense.

Can't say I'm informed enough to give any advice, either, so maybe if you talk it over with your therapist they'll be able to help you with any self-esteem issues you might have.

If you seek validation from other people you're always going to be vulnerable and anxious to change yourself to please others. That can make you depressed. If you have a core belief that you are a good person regardless of what other people think of you, it makes you more independent and emotionally stable.
You'll never find happiness in the arms of a lover or the bottom of a beer bottle. You've got all you need to be happy from the moment you're born.

Take it from somebody who has a really happy and successful life and isn't in any way a hypocrite. :giggles:

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 Post subject: Re: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 11:12 
Creepy Old Man
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The father daughter relationship is important in many ways but whatever this is you posted seems to miss one important point. We learn from our parents, in many cases we tend to become our parents later in life to one degree or another... Like it or not... The point is that if your mother never had a stable relationship, you never learned what a stable relationship looks like and how to go about getting one. It is possible to learn this, but it will require you to be ever vigilant and stop and evaluate your emotions when they happen, and place those emotions where they belong. Most of all educate yourself about yourself. know your strengths and weaknesses and use them both to your advantage.

I think the blue section is a bit of horse shit really, EVERYONE seeks out approval and eventually sexual relationships, you just don't know what a good one looks like so you may do it inappropriately. Even your friends you may have with "good parents" don't really help, you may see glimpses of that good relationship, but you don't really live it, so its hard to place that into your own life and identify with it. Everyone fights occasionally, but a good couple can resolve those fights and become stronger for it, not use it against each other to erode their confidence.

The purple section - Abusive father figures are the worst because then no matter how rationally you look at it and how much you tend to WANT to get a "Good man" you get bored with the good guy and eventually drift apart. I know several girls who date abusive men almost compulsively. It is sad really because in a few cases they have dated men who treated them well they get "bored", he isn't exciting, etc. Well of course he isn't exciting, you aren't having to go to the ER 3 times a month with busted teeth...sometimes boring is good...

1.) Daddy isn't the guy that impregnated your mother, Daddy is the guy that is there for you when you need it (or not as the case may be) Daddy is the guy that spent the most time with you as a child.
2.) Not having a stable "guy" is worse than having none at all, how is a child supposed to imprint on many different males.
3.) Lets face it most men are shit (I could say the same of women) better to say most HUMANS are shit. Finding that one special person is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Do not fear relationships, but don't even begin to think that every relationship is "THE ONE" because it probably isn't. This is ok, just treat each relationship as a learning experience. Commitment is not required until children enter the picture. Remember that you don't have be with this person if you don't want to be. A good relationship is not 2 people joined at the hip, it is two people who choose to walk the path of life together because they enjoy each other's company. At any time either of those people could decide this isn't right for them and move on, but if both of you are happy with yourself, and good to each other, that won't likely happen.

Knowing you have "daddy issues" is the first step to fixing them. No matter how much you "LUVRE" that abusive ex, stay the fuck away from him. There is only one place that relationship leads...the hospital and eventually the morgue. You really need to work on self affirmation, it really is a habit, get into said habit. No matter how stupid it sounds tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart, attractive etc. At some point you will begin to believe it, but until then just keep reminding yourself. This is VERY important. There is one absolute in relationships and that is this: You CAN NOT love another person truly unless you love yourself. If you try to love someone else before you love yourself you are faking it at best, and becoming a leech or a punching bag at worst.

I wish I could have this conversation with my daughter... :ugh:

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 Post subject: Re: Daddy Issues (a.k.a Electra Complex/Bernfeld Factor)
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2009, 21:06 
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Also, a side note to make you feel better or at least not alone En.

Almost every chick I have been involved with has had daddy issues. Mostly it stems from Baby boomer fathers not knowing their ass from their elbow and blundering around thinking parenting begins and ends with shelter, clothing, and food - it is so much more but I can't tell you how many times my parents told me I should be grateful for those three things (again psychologically this was their justification for being piss poor parents who bailed to Mexico every other season and left me home but that's enough of that) so it's very common.

The problem I've noticed in most of these girls is that they want to resolve their relationships with their fathers but the dads are incapable (almost most failed fathers are alcoholics - I don't know if this is cause, effect, linked, or whatever but it's common also) of resolving, are afraid of their mistakes, and are terrified of their own mortality. So they deal with it by ignoring it. (typical underdeveloped male behavior) .

You are going to have to accept (and I'd start working on this soon) that you may very well NEVER get that resolution. And if you continually come to him looking for it you will do your psyche more harm.

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