So, apparently things were just going too fucking good for me recently. I talked my mom into getting me on birth control, I'm doing the Depo shot, so I won't even have to bother with periods anymore, I'm getting my phone back in like a month, school is going good, not failing anything, and I passed math last semester so I'm on track for graduating early, I'm loosing a little weight, work is going fantastic, and my oldest friend has started speaking to me again, nicely at that.
Thus things are just going TOO damn good.
So here's my punishment:
Corey and Jon were the two best guys in my life. I was happy and all that sappy 17 year old shit.
The other day Jon called to tell me that he found the perfect girl, he's so happy, and he's sorry, but he has to end things with me, and because this girl is a little on the jealous side, he's not allowed to talk to me anymore. I'll admit, that hurt, but it's whatever, I was seeing him an average of 2 or 3 times every couple months.
So Sunday, Corey picked me up from work. Things with him have been going way better. he's stopped being a douche bag, started answering my texts and all that. So we're just chillin and I was thinking a lot about it, and I realized he's one of 2 guys I've ever loved. I figured I'd tell him that, and it was one of those make of break things, it could either make us stronger, or things would get awkward and then end. here's how this conversation went:
Me: Erm... so even though I'm not supposed to, and it has the potential to fuck things up... I love you.
*Skip ahead about 15 minutes in which his mood shifted and I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong*
Him: Promise me two things.
Him: One, you won't change, two, you won't cry.
Him: Okay.. Two things.. One, I've fallen so far in love with you I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself, you're gorgeous, you're perfect, you are absolutely amazing. Two, I'm moving back to Colorado June 1st.
Me: .........................................*Bursts into tears*
We then talked about damn near everything, how he got accepted to UWRF and would do anything he could to stay here for me, how he didn't want a relationship because he knew he wasn't staying here he just didn't know when he was leaving, he's a couple grand in debt and just hates it here, everything. I guess I kinda realized how much he meant to me, and what I'm losing now, and it took a huge toll on me, this is really, really hard to deal with.
I know I'm 17, I know I know nothing about love, blah blah blah, but what I do know is that he is the only guy who's never tried to change me, who I'm happy around, who I can sit next to for hours and talk about everything or nothing and it still feels amazing just being with him. Who agreed to go to my prom with me if I wanted to, just because he though it was an experience I needed to see. Who, when I went too far then decided I didn't really want sex at the moment, because I didn't feel that good, got up and made me tea and a sandwich, instead of throwing a fit.
He was talking about having this amazing job lined up and how he'd have his own apartment by the time I was 18 and if I wanted to move out there i could, and how if it doesn't work out he's accepted at UWRF and he could move back, how he'll be back to visit, etc. But I'm terrified to get my hopes up..
And I asked about that, I asked what happened when he found someone in Colorado(bout a 15 hour drive from me) and if he would at least let me know, ya know? For whatever twisted reason I'm like that.. And he promised me he would(at least he didn't beat around the bush saying he'd wait for me and there wasn't anyone else etc.)
But I'm honestly terrified he's GONNA find someone else and I'll be out of the picture and I'll lose him, that because I'm only 17 an amazing chance is going 15 hours away. I know it's shallow of me and everything, but I'm so scared I'm not good enough and in the 6 months he's gone I'll be replaced, despite what he's said and how much I mean to him.. I guess I'm scared of being forgotten, that's what's hitting me so hard.. I dunno if ANY of this makes any sense at all.
It's like the Karma Gods decided to make my life like a movie like The Notebook, except the rolls are switched, guy is leaving, not the girl, and they're not letting me fast forward to see if the ending will be good or shitty.
I know I'm not the only one, I'll get over it, over him, etc. etc. etc. But I don't wanna, at all. And I'm stuck in the now, not in the 5 years from now when I won't even remember his name.
And I'm sorry for being a whiny little girl, but this really fucking sucks..
/sob story *sniffles*
“It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more.”
“Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.”